Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Ticket Oak is a Creepy Scalper That Will Rape You and Your Favorite Musicians

I debated for awhile whether to use the actual image or not. I didn't want to promote this thing any more than
 it already has. In the end I thought I'd better, for those that have NO IDEA what I'm talking about. 
Also, isn't this stupid oak tree enjoying the labor of the tire swinging girl too much? I know when someone is 
hanging off me, it's annoying and it usually hurts. I don't know about you, but those eyes look rapey to me. 

Obama? Commander in Chief? You want to be re-elected? You want my vote? Fix the ticket problem in this country. Somebody with some power has to step in.

First on the agenda? Find a fucking ax and chop down that scary fucking Ticket Oak!? I HATE TICKET OAK!? Could they have made that thing any creepier? In a way, it’s kind of an accurate representation of shady people you buy tickets from, if not from the proper vender, the MO of Stub Hub. You always have to kind of give them a look over and do some quick Malcom Gladwell Blink style snap judgments, only with bias, racism and whatever else you can reach for.

I know one thing is for sure, if I had a Craigslist transaction and the fucking Ticket Oak showed up with that creeper voice and rolling green eyes, I’m getting the fuck out of dodge. I don’t care if it has free Foo Fighter tickets. FUCK THE TICKET OAK!!!!

I get the campaign. Like a money tree with tickets? Oh, how clever. The execution is what I have a problem with. How did this thing pass screen tests? Not only would I never buy tickets from this thing, but from the moment I saw this tree, I’ve been struggling to get proper sleep. It haunts me!? Not because it has tickets I want. Because, I think its branches are going to wake me up in the middle of the night and I’m going grab my ankles and take some oak until I choke. Some good wood. Rape. I’m going to get raped by a tree with a bunch of tickets I want shaking over me as I get throttled in ways Peter Gabriel never dreamed!?

Don’t we need to cut it down to make the very tickets it’s trying to pawn!?

Next problem. A money tree is free! A ticket tree is free! This commercial is mocking you for a commodity you don’t have, but upping the ante. The price! It’s one thing to drive the consumer economy by showing people something they want and selling it to them. It’s a whole new stratosphere to do what Stub Hub is doing. They are connecting scalpers, people that make a living off of artists’ hard work. Not only is that illegal, but it’s unethical and unfair. I think those are three different things, all in the wrong here. I’m not always one to believe you have to do everything the law says, and we all obviously steal from artists when we download music. They recoup that loss with concerts.  

Ticket revenue belongs to the artist of the particular show or event you’re trying to see. People make a living being “supply and demand” pimps, hoarding tickets to shows and selling them for 200, 300, 1,000, 10,000 percent of the original cost.

You wonder why tickets to your favorite bands are so expensive (let alone so hard to obtain?) 1) Everyone steals music. We’ve accepted this. 2) The band you’re supporting only gets revenue on the ACTUAL price of the ticket you’ve purchased minus the crew, traveling costs, law costs, etc, etc. It’s not cheap to tour. This is ok if you’re Lady Gaga or whoever is popular. This stuff is pretty cake for them, yet again, shouldn’t be a cash cow for a ticket pimp. But, for smaller artists, this is a splicing hair, bodega razor-thin margin operation. And crooks are making money for themselves on your favorite artists work, increasing the cost and difficulty for you the fan to acquire seats. This includes creeper oak hub.

Say your favorite band has a concert and the tickets are 25 bucks. After paying all the costs that are associated with putting on a concert, the artist(s) himself or herself might only make 3-5 bucks a ticket. Now, a scalper, will sell a pair of $25 tickets easily for $200 bucks, making $75 a ticket or 15 times what the artist made on the show. The scalper will do this AGAIN…and AGAIN…and AGAIN.

That’s why some my favorite bands are paying their rent on $40 dollar hoodies and $35 dollar tank tops.  

Even people that want to sell to people in front of the show at face value are tempted, because a scalper will have the spot scoped out and a bigger offer waiting. I understand that this happens and will always happen. I understand that concerts are something that will always be something so crazy awesome—people will pay any amount for it. Getting good tickets takes a great deal of time and effort. If you have money, why not spend your time making the money and then 10 seconds getting the tickets from a scalper. That’s supply and demand. I get that.

The problem is getting out of control.

That margin I was talking about earlier, now applies to the number of actual fans that want to get to the shows. Fewer and fewer real fans are able to acquire the tickets the proper way, because there are now 15,000 Stub Hubs. I always joke that the economy of American is hanging on the profit margin of fountain soft drinks. Every restaurant at any level has them. They serve you something that costs two cents and charge you two or three bucks. The profit margin on these ticket transactions is about the same. You’re almost an idiot if you DON’T scalp tickets. Economically speaking.

You’re still an unethical bastard if you do.  

I just like to think people have more integrity then that. They don't. I know. If this were the Wild West, scalpers would be tracked down by bounty hunters and hung, tried and shot. That simple. It’s THAT annoying and it’s THAT wrong. But, the more simplicity technology creates, the more people depend on others to regulate it. Certainly, nobody is taking a stand, or these places wouldn’t be as fast and frivolous as massage parlors.

Note to Craigslist ticket buyers, you CAN click “for sale by owner” in a side tab to eliminate all these Stub Hub subsidiary businesses from popping up in your window, and deal with person by person sellers, who are mostly looking for the same kind of profit on a product that doesn’t belong to them.

If you take the time and diligence you can usually find someone with some decency that will sell you tickets for the price they paid. It’s getting harder and harder to come by, afterall, there are major campaigns on tv promoting industries that do this. Yet, prostitution is illegal, right? If you ask me, those businesses would make commercials I would want to see. That’s the wood I’m looking for.

Not some fucking oak under cutting my favorite industry. You know, as good of a year as Dave Grohl has had, I bet Ticket Oak has made more money!?!? Let that sink in!?

All this Zerfas ticket propaganda is not the fault of the oak or Stub Hub. Stub Hub doesn’t tell people to be fucking assholes and make money off artists’ creations. That’s a person by person crime, but that doesn’t mean this tumor isn’t growing exponentially in size. Bigger and bigger until something is done.

Seems to me, if Ticket Oak had any integrity, they wouldn’t allow you to post any price over what the listed price of the tickets is. In fact, if Ticket Oak had ethics, the business model would simply be, sell the tickets back to Ticket Oak at 90% of the value. Ticket Oak, as a importer/exporter would make the remaining 10% giving people what the want. Fair ticket prices for the fans and artists alike. Ethical. Fair. Business.

That’s not what this is about. It’s free money taking advantage of all that are involved. And why wouldn’t you throw ad dollars at that? It’s free money!?!?! Like a money tree. They’re mocking us again and reaping the rewards. The only people paying the price are music fans and musicians.

That’s fucking hilarious. Someone plant me a tissue oak.   


  1. I totally agree with your all points, but please - PLEASE - cut it out with the interrobangs (!?) Stop turning all your exclamations into questions!?

  2. Zerfas vernacular... It's a trademark. It's a staple. It's mathematics. Some things don't fit into either the question or the exclamation category. They go together like bread and butter...